The first step you can take to help your friend is to learn more about domestic violence. Most people understand little about the cycle of domestic violence, which creates an additional challenge for victims. Following are some common misunderstandings about domestic violence, along with brief explanations:
"I shouldn't get involved in a private family matter."
Domestic violence is not just a family problem. It is a crime with serious repercussions for your friend, her children and the entire community.
"The violence can't really be that serious."
Domestic violence can involve threats, pushing, punching, slapping, choking, sexual assault and assault with weapons. It is rarely a one-time occurrence, and usually escalates in frequency and severity over time. Any act of domestic violence is something to take seriously. Domestic violence can be deadly: 33% of the women murdered in this country are killed by their husbands or boyfriends.
"If it's so bad, why doesn't she just leave?"
For most of us, the decision to end a relationship is not an easy one. A battered woman's emotional ties to her partner may still be strong, supporting her hope that the violence will end. If she has been financially dependent on her partner and leaves with her children, she will likely face severe economic hardship. She may not know about available resources. Or perhaps social and justice systems have been unresponsive to her in the past. Religious, cultural or family pressures may make her believe it's her duty to keep her marriage together at all costs. When she has tried to leave in the past, her partner may have used violence to stop her.
"Doesn't she care about what's happening to her children?"
Your friend is probably doing her best to protect her children from the violence. She may feel that the abuse is only directed at her, and does not yet realize the effects on the children. Perhaps she believes that her children need a father, or maybe she lacks the resources to support them on her own. The children may beg her to stay, not wanting to leave their home or their friends. She could fear that if she leaves she will lose custody of her children.
"Could the partner's drinking problem be the cause of the violence?"
Although alcohol or drug use may intensify already existing violent behavior, it does not cause battering. Batterers typically make excuses for their violence, claiming a loss of control due to alcohol/drug use or extreme stress. Battering, however, does not represent a loss of control, but a way of achieving it.
"If she wanted my help, she'd ask for it."
Your friend may not yet feel comfortable confiding in others, feeling that they will not understand her situation. Try talking to her about the problem of battering in a general way. For example, you might mention a program at CHOICES that you've heard about. Tell her you're concerned about women who must endure physical abuse. Let her know you do not blame battered women for the violence.
